Surrender...No Really, Surrender

“...God is close to you. He is within you. Only you should surrender to Him and you will rise above happiness and unhappiness.”
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

I have a tattoo on my left wrist of the word surrender. I got the tattoo on my 29th birthday after a particularly difficult season of life. I had basically spent the previous two years being angry with God. You see my life was not what I thought it should be. I did not have the job that I wanted, I did not have the relationship I wanted, I did not have the life that I wanted-and of course this was all because God had chosen to close doors I so wanted open.

I know this sounds completely bratty and selfish, but you see my perspective was so off that I could not even see it that way. I had had an expectation of what my life was going to hold (including marriage or-when that didn't work out-a single life where I could afford to support myself well), and when I found myself in Athens, GA with nothing more than a hurt heart and a menial job-I was devastated. How could God have left me like this? How could He deny me the things I desired most? I would grieve and plead in turn over this perceived punishment of the LORDS. I would grieve over past sins that I was so sure led to my current predicament, and plead with God not to withhold His love from me forever.

There would come flashes of insight over the next months(Thanks to a wonderful roommate and church family who persisted in speaking truth into my life:). Moments where I would be able to see that maybe being unmarried and scraping by were not results of God's wrath, but apart of His bigger plan for my life. But, it seemed that as soon as I started to come around my life would be shaken up into a new upheaval! Over the two years I lived in Athens: the medical office where I worked sold their practice leaving me with no insurance and 20 hrs less in work a week (this happened over ONE weekend!), I worked at a call center attempting to sell computer equipment I did not understand to people, and ended up teaching at a preschool making $3 less an hour than I needed to make. I remember one particularly difficult week, just sobbing on the floor asking God why He was making things so hard for me. I. Just. Wanted. To. Pay. My. Bills!!! I. Just. Wanted. To. Support. Myself! WHY, since He had not provided a husband, was He making supporting myself so difficult!?!

My "OH!" moment did not come until New Year 2010. My roommate (a very Godly, very patient girl-love you Tara!), had invited several friends from a ministry group from her college days over to ring in the year. I decided -after some hesitation ( I was fully prepared to ring in the New Year with cookies and misery)-to participate in her party. We started off with food and fun, but as the new year approached ended up all sharing what the previous year had held. I was amazed as each person spoke of struggles and victories with consistent joy and trust in their Savior. I knew I was missing something. When midnight struck, our party decided to head outside and ring in the year properly. When I stepped outside I was met with the most beautiful, clear moon with a rainbow surrounding it. This was-for me-a promise reminder from the LORD. Not that my life was going to get easier and all the problems were just going to disappear, but like He was saying-"Girl, I see you. I know you think you are drowning, but I see you and I AM FAITHFUL!".

The next morning I spent some real time thinking about God and His character, and I came to a couple of conclusions. First of all, God's main desire in my life is NOT my happiness or even my provision (SHOCKER)-His first priority in my life is to do whatever He has to do to get me in real relationship with Him. Secondly, if what happens in life is so my relationship with the LORD will grow deeper, then IT IS GOOD. No exceptions! No matter what happens! No matter how I feel about it or how it looks to the world or how much it hurts-IT IS GOOD and IT IS LOVE-I chose to surrender to that truth! Honestly-it has made all the difference.

I am SO very glad that God was patient with me, and for people who were loving to me over those years. I am SO thankful God chose to work this out in me on that January night. It is those truths-that memory of a rainbow covered moon-that hold me as I search for jobs in Virginia, as I am led to sell my car, and as I am required to depend on the hospitality and generosity of others (even though there are times I am tempted to think I would rather live on the streets than have to continue this). I do not like these things....these things are HARD! I don't know why I have not been able to find employment despite my applying like crazy, but I DO know that it does not have to defeat me! -AND, thankfully, the same truth is for every person God calls His own:)!

"Rejoice in the LORD always. I will say it again: REJOICE!"

Philippians 4:4